The Azugirls save the Firebird
by Knuckleheads Inc
Summary: A modern Russian fairy tale retold by American-born Japanese high school girls. Based on " The Little Einsteins: Rocket's Firebird Rescue" but without the constant fourth wall breaks.
1. Prologue and Chapter 1: Into Russia

**Welcome, everyone to the Bolshoi Theatre! Does anyone have their tickets? Well, all the readers have theirs! But, before the movie starts, let's watch the prologue...**

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(a storybook with the title "The Firebird" opens)

Narrator: Long ago, far away, there was Russia. The land was once in control of the Mongols, until one day, a local tsar found an egg. It was no ordinary egg, that's for sure, but when it cracked, it revealed a stunning creature in which mankind has never seen: The burning Firebird. She soon helped the Russians defeat the Mongols and establish the mighty Russian Empire. Even after the empire collapsed and the government resorted to... an evil way to rule... the firebird still looks over the land she brought. That is, until one day, Kashchei the Immortal captured her. Without the firebird's song, Russia would fall into chaos and wage nuclear war with America. But, six girls, one 10-year-old and five 16- year-olds, will travel the large county to find the firebird and save the world. And, this is their story...

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**And now the curtains open.**

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( The scene cut to December 12, 2020. Moscow, Russia Our heroines are standing near Saint Basil's Cathedral. They're wearing thick coats over their normal street clothes (what? That's the clothes they wear to school on the days that are not summer or Halloween))

Yukari: (shivering) Class, this is the Saint Basil's Cathedral. Built-in 1555, this colorful cathedral was commissioned by Ivan the Terrible to display his power. If any of you are Russian Orthodox and want to pray, go now!

(Only Chiyo runs towards the cathedral, prays, and comes back)

Osaka:(shivering) Chiyo, ya Orthodox?

Chiyo: (shivering) Yes I am. My mother's from Japan and my father's from Russia.

Tomo:(shivering) Oh, come on! First, she's rich and now she can speak Russian? Why after my breasts had grown, my luck is getting worse?

Yomi:(shivering) Maybe because you don't a special skill you specialize at.

Sakaki: (shivering) So Father is… Russian?

(In Sakaki's mind, Chiyo-chichi is wearing a Cossack hat)

Chiyo-chichi: I'm Russian!

(Back to reality, Sakaki is cracking at the meer though)

Kagura:(shivering) Sakaki, what are you laughing at?

(Back in Sakaki's mind)

Chiyo-chichi: Oh, Chiyo! Here's your matryoshka doll!

Chiyo: Oh thank you! Yay, Father's Russian!

Chiyo-chichi: That's right. The president of Russia pays for our insurance.

Chiyo: That's amazing!

Chiyo-chichi: And I can fight brown bears with the strength of a nuclear bomb!

(Back to reality)

Tomo: Hey Aunt Yukari!

Yukari: Yes, Tomo?

Tomo: Where are we going next?

(The class are in a Russian restaurant, eating the local cuisine)

Yukari: We're going to St. Petersburg! We'll ride a train, book a hotel, and explore the city!. But first, Nyamo! Kimura! It's time to chug down the vodka!

Osaka: Pastila!

Tomo: Why you're saying that?

Osaka: Pastila! It tastes like an apple.

Kaori: Miss Sakaki, what you're going to see?

Sakaki: The Siberian tiger!

Kaori: Can I come too?

Sakaki: No, it could be dangerous. A bite from a big cat could be worse than a bite from the Kamineko. (Sees Mr. Kimura walking towards the two, wear a t-shirt with Stalin's face on it) But, looks like someone already has some plans with you.

Mr. Kimura: Oh Kaorin!

Kaori: I'm leaving!

Kagura: Hey Tomo, why you're excited?

Tomo: Because… There's a palace in that city, and said palace has a throne room, so… I can wear this ballgown and proclaim myself as the princess of Russia!

Kagura: Are you stupid? The police will arrest you!

Tomo: And I will convince them to enroll me in the Interpol!

(Kagura face faults on the table)

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**Okay, folks, Chapter 1's done! Stay tuned for Chapter 2! Please like and review!**

**Note: Azumanga Daioh characters are owned by Kiyohiko Azuma.**


	2. Chapter 2: An Old Lady's Help

**Welcome back folks to Chapter 2! Now the gang's at St. Petersburg and they meet someone very special...**

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Narrator: Class 2-3 soon leaves the restaurant and ride the train to St. Petersburg, but when they arrive, all of the hotels are booked.

Yukari: Crap! How we are supposed to find a place to stay in?

Nyamo: Maybe if you didn't get distracted by the vodka while we're preparing for the field trip, none of this will ever happen!

Chiyo: Don't worry! My grandma lives in St. Petersburg, so maybe she'll let all of us stay at her palace.

Tomo: Chiyo! Are you crazy! How you're expecting us to fit in…

(Cut to the class standing in front of a humongous mansion, even larger than Chiyo's mansion.)

Tomo: Oh…

Osaka: Yanno, we should bring some melons as an offerin'.

(The doors open, revealing an old lady, no bigger than Chiyo.)

Chiyo: Grandma!

Chiyo's grandma: Oh Chiyo! You have grown so much since I last saw you! (sees Chiyo's older friends) Are they your cousins?

Yomi: No, we're Chiyo's friends.

Chiyo: Grandma, Me, my friends and classmates, and my teachers need a place to stay. Can we stay at your place?

Chiyo's grandma: Why of course! I have enough room to sleep all of you.

Class 2-3 and the teachers: Hooray!

Osaka: Oh no, Chiyo's grandma also has them evil pigtails. I have a very bad feelin' about this.

(Cut to the living room, which is larger than most living rooms and has a fireplace that is tall as Sakaki. All of the girls are in their pajamas, though Kagura's PJs are a green tank top and blue short- shorts and this is Russia, but who cares! There's a fireplace.)

Chiyo: Grandma, can you tell us the story of the Firebird?

Yomi: Firebird? What's that?

Tomo: Your new dieting plan. (gets double chopped)

Osaka: Ya mean one of the Four Gods?

Chiyo grandma: No, no. The Firebird protects and unites Russia with her sweet song. If she's gone, then Russia will fall into chaos.

(Osaka (in the background) is playing with the tv set)

Kagura: Osaka, what are you doing?

Osaka: Tryin' to find somethin' in Japanese. (hear the "Little Einsteins" theme in Japanese) Hey, y'all! The only thing I found in Japanese is that kid's show we used to watch as kids!

Tomo: Oh! Yomi! Kagura! Sakaki! It's that kid's show we used to watch!

(The girls sans Chiyo scoots towards the tv screen, with big smiles and sparkling eyes)

Chiyo: What are you guys are so happy about?

Tomo: Chiyo! This… is…. THE BEST SHOW IN MY CHILDHOOD!

Yomi: Translation: Little Einsteins is better than Barney (Kagura's eyes are hidden when that word was spoken) and Dora(Tomo's eyes are hidden when that word was spoken ) combined! Kagura owns all of the DVDs, so her, me, and Tomo know each episode's plot by heart!

(After the title sequence ends, a news flash appears)

Russian news anchor: We interrupt the following program for some breaking news. At this moment, the Firebird has been mysteriously kidnapped! The only clue as to who stole the nation's protector is a paper that has the words "Kashchei the Immortal".

Chiyo's grandma: It can't be!

Chiyo: What grandma?

Chiyo's grandma: Kashchei the Immortal's back!

All of the girls: Kashchei the who?

Chiyo's grandma: Kashchei the Immortal. He's a wizard who sold his soul to Satan to gain powerful magic to overthrow the Khanate but after the Firebird was born and defeated the Golden Horde, he envies her God-like powers and wishes to kill her, He almost kills her during the Russian Revolution, but that plan didn't work and he was sealed away. But, now with the seal weaken, he was able to capture the Firebird and lock her up in a cage in his castle. Now, without the song of the Firebird, Russia will fall into madness!

Chiyo: Oh no! Grandma, what we're going to do? (see the Knuckleheads with a red aura )

Tomo: Chiyo! The obvious answer is to go to Kashchei's castle…

Kagura: And defeat him and free the Firebird from her cage prison!

Osaka: But the problem is how we're supposed to find the castle?

(Tomo and Kagura face fault)

Yomi: Osaka! We need a feather from the Firebird!

(Sakaki sees a feather fall into the fireplace and grabs it)

Sakaki: Could this be the feather?

Tomo: (grabs the feather ) Yep! That's a feather from the Firebird and it's pointing to the… east?

Chiyo's grandma: Of course! Kashchei's castle is located in the far east of Russia. No wonder why he isn't found by the government.

Yomi: But, how we're supposed to get to the castle without Ms. Yukari noticing that the six of us are gone?

Tomo: Don't worry Yomi, Aunt Yukari drank so much vodka that the hangover will make her unconscious until noon of tomorrow!

Yomi: That's… amazing at the same time disturbing, but that still doesn't answer my question of how to get to the castle.

Chiyo's grandma: Don't worry, I got you covered.

(She pushes a button, causing a garage door to open, revealing a rocket-powered sled pulled by 6 borzois)

Chiyo's grandma: Behold, The Red Rocket. This sled is built to withstand speeds of 80 km/hr and my 6 borzois are lightning-fast.

Chiyo: Oh thank you, grandma!

Tomo: Alright, everyone! It's time to lock and load!

Narrator: An awesome montage of the girl changing into their normal, daytime clothes( and Osaka grabbing a knife) happens. Then, all of the girls jump on the sled, engaged the rocket boosters, and blast off into the Russian wilderness.

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**Woo boy, the "The Little Einsteins: Rocket's Firebird Rescue" influences are getting stronger( The girls' sled is called the "Red Rocket", the magical firebird feather, Kaschei is our villain of the day.) But today, we learned about three things:**

**1\. Sakaki, Tomo, Yomi, Osaka, and Kagura are raised by "Little Einsteins". (Good taste on them, I was also raised by Little Einsteins, it's good)**

**2\. Yukari's liver is stronger than once thought.**

**3\. Kagura is afraid of Barney the Dinosaur and Tomo is afraid of Dora the Explorer (Kagura: It was too positive and creepy! Tomo: It's too creepy and girly for my tastes)**

**Please like and review!**

**Note: Azumanga Daioh characters are owned by Kiyohiko Azuma and Little Einsteins is owned by Disney**


	3. Chapter 3: The Forrest of Instruments

**Sorry folks for the long intermission here's Chapter 3! Let's see what Kashchei is doing in his castle ...**

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Meanwhile, in Kashchei's castle...

Kashchei: AHAHAHHAA! Now, after many years of plotting, I, The Immortal, have finally captured you! And you know what, nobody will save you! (The crystal ball is ringing) Oh, what's this? (Sees the girls on the sled ) No! This can't be! Darn, I must find a way to stop those girls!

Narrator: On the sled, the girls are singing the Little Einsteins theme song ( though Yomi's bad singing makes it unbearable to listen, so we provided the lyrics on the soundtrack). They soon come upon a forest full of instruments- musical instruments.

Chiyo: Where are we?

Yomi: Some weird forest.

Narrator: The girls park their sled in the middle of the forest, wary of it's surrounding. In the bushes, a flute-waxwing, a violin-fox, and a French horn-wolf stared at the girls.

Flute-waxwing (translated from music): Do you think they'll make us sing?

French horn-wolf(Translated): No,no. They're not the Firebird, they can't make us sing.

Violin-fox (translated): But, zhey have zhe Firebird's feazher. Maybe zhey will restore our will to sing.

Osaka: Tomo, Kagura, didya hear somethin'?

Tomo: Yay, it's like my French horn.

Kagura: And my violin.

Osaka: And mah flute, and it's comin' from over there.

Narrator: The three Knuckleheads followed the sound until they come upon a bush.

Tomo: Okay Osaka, that's where the sound's coming from?

Osaka: (sees a bohemian waxwing crossed with a flute) Oh, hi there, little birdy. Ain't ya the one who made that sound?

(the bird makes flute sounds)

Osaka: Wha? I don't understand ya.

(the violin-fox walks towards Kagura )

Kagura: A fox?

(The French horn-wolf walks towards Tomo, licking her hand)

Tomo: Hey there, little wolf.

(Meanwhile with Chiyo, Yomi, and Sakaki)

Chiyo: Miss Yomi, where's Tomo, Kagura, and Osaka?

Yomi: Don't know.

Tomo: Hey fatty! Look what we Knuckleheads had found!

(the three Smartypants follow Tomo's voice until they come upon the Knuckleheads playing with the instrument animals)

Yomi: Tomo, why did you call me "fatty" and what are those?

Tomo: Osaka found some instrument animals and we started to play with them.

Kagura: They're kinda adorable despite looking like animal parts attached to musical instruments.

Narrator: Suddenly, Kashchei appears from the shadows, scaring the girls in the process.

The Knuckleheads: AAAHHH! It's Kukkoo Guy!

Kashchei: I'm not Kukkoo Guy! I'm Kashchei the Immortal! And the six of you are trying to interfere with my evil plan. Well, I'm going to stop you!

Kagura: (in a karate gi) Well, I got a black belt in Karate!

Tomo: (in a female Japanese police uniform) And I got a black belt in gun kata!

Osaka: And I got a black belt in sata andagi eatin'!

(Sakaki unsheath a katana and Yomi does a kung fu pose)

Kashchei: Ha, no guns, swords, martial arts, or whatever she's doing isn't going to stop me!

Narrator: Suddenly, the earth starts to shake, and a weird orange cat thing appears out of nowhere!

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**Uh-oh.**

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Sakaki: Father?

Chiyo-chichi:(singing) Listen as I tell you what Hell would be/To begin with, all the cooks would be British/ Die Polizei wäre alle Deutsch/Et l'ingénierie reviendrait aux Français/Ihr Liebhaber wäre leider Schweizer/E tutti i banchieri verrebbero dall'Italia!

Kagura: Okay, is he done?

Chiyo-chichi: (singing) Listen now as I tell you what Heaven would be~

Tomo: Wait, there's more?!

Chiyo-chichi: (singing) Listen now as I tell you what Heaven would be/Tous Les cuisiniers seraient Les Français/The bil would all be British obviously/Ingenieure wären Deutsche/Die Banker würden aus der Schweiz kommen/E, naturalmente, il tuo amante sarebbe naturalmente Italiano, Yahoo ~ (he disappears)

Yomi: Okay, what just happen?

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**Uh, Chiyo's father sang a song about what roles do England, France, Germany, Switzerland, and Italy play in down there and up there.**

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Kashchei: Uh, should we forget about that song, I mean, it's unnecessary. Anyhow, as I was saying before **that** happened, I'm going to stop you… with wild animals!

Narrator: Kashchei raises his magic staff, creating matryoshka bats in the process.

Kashchei: These bats will suck up all of the blood in your bodies, turning you into soulless husks!

All of the girl: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Osaka: (hearing the flute waxwing) Wha? Ya want me to play ya? Well, okay.

Narrator: Osaka grabs the bird and plays it like a flute, making the bats poof away.

Osaka: I did it. I made the bats go night-night.

Kashchei: How in the-?! Never mind, Plan B!

Narrator: Kashchei raises his staff once more, creating matryoshka mosquitoes.

Kashchei: When these mosquitoes bite you, you all will be full of the grossest boils!

All of the girls: EWWHHH!

Kagura: Sakaki, Tomo! I need your hair!

Tomo: Kagura! I don't want to cut my hair.

Chiyo: Miss Kagura, I found a violin bow on the ground.

Kagura: Thanks, Chiyo-chan! Okay, fox, it's time to play!

Narrator: Kagura played the violin-fox, making the mosquitos poof away.

Kashchei: Not again! Time to bring out the big bears!

Sakaki: Bears?

Kashchei: BIG BLOOD-THIRSTY BEARS!

Narrator: Sakaki faints as Kashchei creates a matryoshka bear.

Tomo: Oh, I know what to do! (raises the wolf's tail)

Narrator: Tomo played the French horn-wolf, causing the bear to poof away.

Kashchei: Wha-?!

The Knuckleheads: AHAHAHA! The Knuckleheads won again! Nothing can stop us-(sees a herd of matryoshka bats, mosquitoes, and bears) now? Oh no!

Osaka: I cain't play the flute that fast; I get lightheaded.

Tomo: Me too!

Kagura: My arm is going to fall off after this!

The Knuckleheads: What we're going to do?!

Yomi: I got an idea! (grabs the feather lodged into Chiyo's pigtails) Remember in the special that feather has some of the Firebird's magic?

Kagura: Well, duh.

Yomi: What if I shake the feather on you three, so can play those instrument animals super fast?

Osaka: Well, it's worth a shot.

Tomo: Is it just me or did Osaka said something smart and non-Osaka?

Narrator: Yomi shakes the feather onto the Knuckleheads, covering them in golden dust. Afterward, the Knuckleheads are covered in a golden, fiery aura.

Tomo: Man, I feel like I've been drinking a thousand cups of coffee!

Kagura: I feel like I'm going to run 15,000 miles in one hour!

Osaka: I feel like I'm goin' to split a million billion chopsticks. (splits chopsticks perfectly) And we have good luck on our side.

Tomo: Alright, you two, let's play!

Narrator: The Knuckleheads played the instrument animals so fast that the matryoshka animals disappear in a big poof.

Kashchei: NNNNOOOOO! I suppose to attack you with those wild animals!

Tomo: Well, to us Americans, the wild animals are supposed to attack….you!

Kashchei: What?! (sees the wild animals running towards him) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (runs away)

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**Nice Reverse Russian Reversal, Tomo**

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Chiyo: You three did it! We're safe!

Yomi: Don't so cocky, Chiyo-chan. Tomo and her little group may have defeated Kashchei now, but he'll come back.

Chiyo: Well, we better get going. The feather is pointing towards… Siberia?

Tomo: Alright, fur-trimmed version of our regular outfits here I come! (sees a worried Sakaki) Don't worry, Sakaki. It's fake fur, not real fur.

Narrator: And so, the girls got on the sled and ride off to the blistering cold of Siberia.

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**Rachel: Oh boy, it looks like Chiyo's "father" is doing what Grandpa Rome did to save his grandson in Hetalia: sing a song! Oh no, I think that this story will become a musical.**

**Yomi: And I will finally sing to my heart's content!**

**Tomo: Uh, just a word of warning: Yomi likes to sing, but her singing is so bad that I'm the only one to admit that it's good. After all, calling Yomi "fat and stupid" is one thing, but also calling her a bad singer will get me killed.**

**Rachel: That's the reason why autotune exists. Anyhow, tune in for Chapter 4!**

**Please like and review!**

**Note: Azumanga Daioh characters are owned by Kiyohiko Azuma and Little Einsteins is owned by Disney**


	4. Intermission

**Sorry for the long Intermission. School and the unseen enemy that shall not be named basically prevented me from continuing stories, but the summer break's here, and I'm back, baby! Now then, it's time to see how the Azu-gang fit in the Five-Man Band format:**

**Tomo Takino: The Idiot Master of None Hero**

**Sakaki Fujiwara: The Not So Stoic Shrinking Violet Lancer**

**Koyomi "Yomi" Mizuhara: The Only Sane Smart Gal**

**Ayumu "Osaka" Kasuga: The Ditzy Cloud Cuckoo Smart Gal (she's good with riddles!)**

**Yushiro Kagura: The Boisterous Big Gal With a Heart of Gold**

**Chiyo Mihama: The Tagalong Heart**

**And the teachers are the mentors, Kaori's the Load, Mr. Tadakichi and Maya are Team Pets, and Chiyo-chichi's the Big Good (that bastard Kamineko is the Big Bad, with his kitty gang being his mooks)**

**Yes, I made a reference to Tv Tropes. So-**

**Chiyo: Miss Rachel, the film camera is busted!**

**Oh god, whenever something bad happens, blame it on the wildcat idiot. Anyhow folks, we'll be back when we fix the film camera and install a "Do Not Enter" sign on the door to the projection room for Tomo. So, leave a like and review!**

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**Note: I do not own Azumanga Daioh **


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